My life is full of sins, but if i told you about them all i could probably make an entire book! Yes i know, it is terrible. It is a part of me i wish didn´t exist or at least nobody knew. But i want to be open and honest and show you the very imperfect person i am. And for that i´ll tell you about a sin that has been especially hard for me to deal with. I hope you are sitting down, drinking a cup of coffee in the comfort of your house, in case you get terrified while reading the very sinful story of my life.
The story starts with a boy. He was new at school and he easily turned into a friend for me. He was so very fun and intelligent and most of all he had a sensibility i never saw in a guy before. After some time of knowing each other we went camping with school and he told me he liked me in a more than friends way. Unfortunately, even though i adored this guy, the feeling wasn´t mutual. I saw him as a very good friend, just that.
Time made us more than good friends, we shared a bond that is hard to describe. We made a lot of fun of each other but we also spent hours having the most meaningful conversations on the phone. But even though we were very good friends this guy didn´t really give up on loving me as something more. I remember sometimes i wished i could make him happy but i guess i was too afraid of love. So we continued like that… we lived many incredible things together and shared the deepest parts of our hearts. But time passed by, and sooner or later this guy would end giving up on me (how not?). He started a relationship with one of my friends and i was actually very happy and relieved. But things didn´t go as good as i thought. His girlfriend wouldn´t like him to talk so much with me, so our friendship started to suffer a bit. It was so very hard for me cause i didn´t have any another friend that was quite like him, but i had to hide my feelings and try to continue with my life.
I did, and for many months it more or less worked. We just talked some insignificant words when we were around. It was hard but it was okay, this guy deserved to be happy with her. But slowly, we both started to talk a bit more again, we were both happy but it was difficult trying not to cause any problem for that. For some moments i said to myself it wasn´t right to be close to him and so we would stop talking again for several months. But eventually we both came back to each other. It was a cycle and i didn´t know how to get rid of that. I guess my heart wasn´t so strong.
There´s so much more in between these years, but i guess you are wondering what all of this has to do with my sin. So i´ll go to the point. He broke up with his girlfriend and came back to me. I was so scared and confused, and we both tried to stop it, but our hearts didn´t seem to listen to that.
I worried a lot over that and carried it alone cause i knew it wasn´t something good, i couldn´t share it with anyone. It was a time of so much confussion. He said i should start living and give a chance to love for once in my life, so after so many doubts i decided he was right. I also deserved to be happy and to love someone.
Some days it felt really good, but some days i felt as if we didn´t deserve to be happy together. Not because we didn´t love each other but because there was someone who could get hurt through it. But unfortunately i was so very weak and unmature that i couldn´t stand that.
We just couldn´t believe that after 3 years we still had feelings for the other one, so i started to think maybe he was “the one” and finally took the decission to give it a try. We both agreed that this would take a very long time, we would wait for at least six months (we were both going to live abroad for some time) and after coming back we would tell our friend and start with all that.
It wasn´t a very good plan, but i tried to make myself feel better thinking things like “no one chooses who to love” or “we can´t fight against true love”. I know they were just excuses to keep me sane, but i believed them and so they worked most of the time.
But this plans never took on march. Unfortunately (or maybe luckily) our friend got to know it and so everything crashed. I remember i was out of the city while it happened so i didn´t know anything about that. When i came back and realized what happened i brought into tears and didn´t stop crying for a week. I felt so so ashamed and sad that i didn´t know what to do. We never did anything serious and we just saw each other like 2 times after he broke up with her, but anyway i knew it wasn´t something to be proud of.
The worst of all is that i realized instead of just me being sad (like it was previously), i ended up causing the three of us so much pain. For days i didn´t feel like myself, and my family didn´t know what to do to make me feel better. I felt so broken and i didn´t understand how something so “innocent” and pure as love could cause a situation as disgusting as that. I felt as the worst person alive.
After some days i knew i had to face what i´d done. I talked to my friends but i knew there was no way to justify it. I felt they would all hate me from that day on. I thought my life was not going to be the same after that. And i must confess that in some way i was right. I felt like a different person, i felt embarrassed of myself and so unworthy of God´s love. For many nights i couldn´t sleep and i prayed i could go back on time to erase all that. But i obviously couldn´t; the people i hurt was already hurt and i couldn´t forgive myself for that. It was a sin made out of love, but it was still a sin. It took years and lots of prayer to start forgiving myself.
I still would change things if i had the chance to go back on time, but as hard as it may sound, i don´t know if i should. It has burdened my heart for a very long time, but it is also a part of me now. Not because that´s the person i am, but because of it i can choose to never be that person again.
For a long time i let my sin define me. I labeled myself as a “bad friend”, “horrible person”, “weak girl” or any other negative adjective i found. But now i know all those labels weren´t right. The only label we should identify ourselves with is as “humans”. That´s why i don´t see “good” or “bad” people. I just see people. I see humans who make mistakes, but who also have goodness inside of them.
So what i want to say to you is that our sins don´t define who we are. Sure they mold and shape us, but they will never determine us. Even though i still pray every night i wouldn´t have caused pain to anyone, today i can say i am trying to learn to be grateful for my sins. Of course it is still something i regret and a part of me i´m very ashamed of. But thanks to that sin i´m totally sure i would never do something like that again!
So as weird as this could sound, i learned to love my sins because they remind me i am a human. I love my sins cause they make me understand better the sins of others. I love my sins cause they taught me my true friends still see me as a friend, not as a sinner. I love my sins because i know they make me fight everyday to become a better person and remind me about the unconditional love God has for all of us.
I must admit that some times i still think of my future husband and get afraid of telling him this cause i think nobody would love me after knowing that part of me. But please. Don´t let your sins scare you and stop you from living your life. Even though there will be people who unfriend or reject you, be sure you will also find people who will see more in you than that. People who will think you are still worthy no matter how big you have sinned.
Just imagine if we never sinned. Maybe we would consider ourselves perfect and never try to become better. Maybe we would never surrender to God. Sins help us to be humble and realize that God is so much bigger than any mistake in our lives.
I hope after reading this you won´t be too scared of the person i am. I honestly wish no one knew this part of me, but i wrote it down praying that this ugly and sinful story will make you feel better in some way. It´s not a post to encourage you to sin, but it is a post to encourage you to forgive others and forgive yourself. We all sin, but we can´t let sins define who we are. I don´t want you to go months and months without sleeping, hating yourself or going through the hell i lived that time (thinking you actually deserve all that).
Instead, just think that if even God forgives you, why wouldn´t you forgive yourself? Our sins are there to remind us we need to go in the other way. Don´t stay inside of them, open the door and let them go away, and work hard everyday so they will never ever come back again.
You are so much more than the mistakes you have made. Don´t get stuck in your sins, the beautiful thing about life is that we can always grow and change. We all have a past and have made mistakes, but as i said.. it is the past and God forgives us every day.
P.S. I want to say sorry to anyone i have ever hurt. Even though i can´t erase my acts, it is because of you that i want to try again and become a better version of myself.